Paul and I were talking at lunch yesterday about the gamut of emotions that we will inevitably feel over the next few months.
My friend from law school, Andrea Lasker Bradford, summed it up best when she wrote me and said: “The shit you are going through will bring out every emotion and ones you’ve never experienced before, often at the same time. I mean anger, confusion, sadness, desperation, appreciation, toughness, oddly happy and proud… The list goes on. I totally understand them all and how quickly one can lead into another.”
I’m most certainly playing out the “oddly happy and proud” part right now. I’m not sure when the anger & depression will come — but I’m sure they will. I just want to prep whoever is reading this blog out there for the fact that my posts will get dark at some point. I hope to remain strong and continue to laugh in cancer’s face — but I’m human — and I’m sure I’ll break once or twice. So consider yourselves duly warned!
So far, it’s not been *that* hard to switch gears from infertility to cancer. A few years ago I read (in one of my many IVF guidebooks) that women who are diagnosed with infertility are equally as depressed and stressed as someone who was just diagnosed with cancer. This statement is an absolute fact. I can attest to feeling depressed, ashamed and isolated for the past 2.5 years. I don’t know why, but Paul and I were pretty tight-lipped about all of our fertility battles. Ultimately, it made us feel even more isolated and ashamed. We only came clean with our families about our IVF trials a month ago. But ever since then, I’ve felt so much more at ease. Coming out of the IVF closet has it’s upside!
I guess what I’m trying to say is that we’ve got more than enough to deal with right now: medical appointments, decisions about treatment, insurance companies…no need to add the burden of keeping any of this secret to the mix. Especially when all of our family, friends, neighbors, co-workers have been so loving and supportive. Talking about this journey from the very beginning has been super helpful for me so far – and I’ll keep the ball rolling.
That said, enjoy the euphoria phase while it lasts…it may only be temporary!