I’ve officially started to break down. I’m already prone to panic attacks — so it was only a matter of time before they started again. Thankfully I have an RX for Lorazepam at the ready. We landed Tuesday and everything was going well. But then I reached my breaking point. Fortunately, I was only a little weepy at the beginning of the evening. Unfortunately, I woke up at 3am local time having a full-blown panic attack. Paul was amazing. We have a code during my attacks — he rubs my arm really slowly and helps me slow my breathing. This time was no different — even though he was half asleep, he snapped to and came to my rescue. He held me as I cried, he talked me down, he reminded me that I don’t have to be strong and bubbly through this process. Then he encouraged me to take a Lorazepam. Phew! I am feeling much better now.
All in, the attack lasted a couple of hours (because I initially refused to take the medicine — stupid, stupid, I know!) It’s really scary when you can’t get your emotions under control. It’s just the pits — there’s no other way to describe it.
I’m reading the Life of Pi right now and it couldn’t be more poignant. I think it was Chapter 55 that summed it up best. That chapter talks about conquering your fear and choosing to live. The author really captures exactly what I’ve been feeling. I mean, yes, I consider myself a strong person — but I have my limits. And it’s scary when you let your mind run wild. So you have to work really hard to wrestle those negative thoughts to the mat. I try to remind myself that it’s all about mind over matter — but at the end of the day — I am so thankful for anti-anxiety meds. I cannot tell you!
So back to the cancermoon we go! As you know, we are in Kauai, trying to relax, unwind, enjoy and steel ourselves before everything gets going. Our plan is to do my favorite things — beach myself in a lounge chair, sip vino and eat my face off! Thankfully there are ample restaurants and local spots here to accommodate all of the above (just as an aside, this is my 7th trip to the Kauai and my 6th trip to Princeville — so I know the area pretty well at this point!). When I was first diagnosed, I lost my appetite and about 5 pounds. I was floored. Those of you who know me, know that my life revolves around eating. I LOVE to plan meals, think about meals and EAT meals — lol. So I was shocked when I couldn’t stomach anything. I’m happy to report that phase has passed and I’m once again joyful at meal time, yay! Cancer, you can have my tits, but not my love of food!
So, off to dinner we go!
To all of our east coast peeps — stay safe in Sandy’s aftermath — we are thinking of you!