I intended to do a lot of things today, one of them was to post about last night’s party we went to (the annual Krpata Family White Elephant Exchange & DJ Dance Party — while it’s annual, this was our first time — it was a BLAST and I will post much more about it with full-on drunky-drunk pictures! You are all waiting with bated breath, I can tell!…)
In any event, today went sideways on me. I cried my heart out last night before going to bed because I am really scared of chemo. I woke up with crusty eyes because I must’ve also been crying in my sleep. I just felt like crap today (which, of course, has nothing to do with the copious amounts of wine consumed last night!) My chest aches like crazy because Dr. Hong added 120 CC’c to each of my spacers on Friday. The double fill is *really* intense and tough to deal with. Then a few more things happened that just pushed me over the edge. So, I spent the entire day in bed just vacillating between sobbing, trying to nap and trying to watch mindless TV. I’m still in bed as I write this.
Truthfully, today was the first day where I really questioned whether or not I can get through this. I feel like giving up and throwing in the towel. I don’t know how I’m supposed to climb out of this. Whether or not I like it, I am cutting my hair off tomorrow and the shitty AC part of chemo starts Tuesday. I am out of my mind with fear of what that holds. And what the days after the infusion will hold.
I don’t want to pee red (Adriamycin is the same color as red Gatorade (guess who won’t be drinking red Gatorade anytime soon again) and one side effect is that it makes you pee red. It’s nicknamed, the “red devil” It has to be manually pushed because it’s so toxic. WTF am I getting myself into here?). I don’t want mouth sores. I don’t want to feel nauseous all the time. I don’t want to be fatigued. I don’t want ANY of it. Sorry to be such a complainer, but that’s what this blog is for.
Ugh. I am just having a shitty, miserable day.
I just needed to write down how I’m feeling. And I truly hope that I don’t have many more days like today. I won’t be able to cope if I do.