Oh Caca

I intended to do a lot of things today, one of them was to post about last night’s party we went to (the annual Krpata Family White Elephant Exchange & DJ Dance Party — while it’s annual, this was our first time — it was a BLAST and I will post much more about it with full-on drunky-drunk pictures! You are all waiting with bated breath, I can tell!…)

In any event, today went sideways on me. I cried my heart out last night before going to bed because I am really scared of chemo. I woke up with crusty eyes because I must’ve also been crying in my sleep. I just felt like crap today (which, of course, has nothing to do with the copious amounts of wine consumed last night!) My chest aches like crazy because Dr. Hong added 120 CC’c to each of my spacers on Friday. The double fill is *really* intense and tough to deal with.  Then a few more things happened that just pushed me over the edge. So, I spent the entire day in bed just vacillating between sobbing, trying to nap and trying to watch mindless TV. I’m still in bed as I write this.

Truthfully, today was the first day where I really questioned whether or not I can get through this. I feel like giving up and throwing in the towel. I don’t know how I’m supposed to climb out of this. Whether or not I like it, I am cutting my hair off tomorrow and the shitty AC part of chemo starts Tuesday. I am out of my mind with fear of what that holds. And what the days after the infusion will hold.

I don’t want to pee red (Adriamycin is the same color as red Gatorade (guess who won’t be drinking red Gatorade anytime soon again) and one side effect is that it makes you pee red. It’s nicknamed, the “red devil” It has to be manually pushed because it’s so toxic. WTF am I getting myself into here?).  I don’t want mouth sores. I don’t want to feel nauseous all the time.  I don’t want to be fatigued. I don’t want ANY of it. Sorry to be such a complainer, but that’s what this blog is for.

Ugh. I am just having a shitty, miserable day.

I just needed to write down how I’m feeling. And I truly hope that I don’t have many more days like today. I won’t be able to cope if I do.

6 thoughts on “Oh Caca

  1. your in my prayers, and ill be bald wiht you ::))) ,,, your too much a gift to this world for this stuff to keep you down,,, cry all you need, then bounce back and share your smile again, and again, and again,,,,,, God bless you YOUNG LADY,,, hope to see u this week sometime

  2. So sorry you have to go through this. But you *will* get through this. You may not feel strong, but all of us who know you and who are reading your blog see strength in your fuck-cancer posts AND your I-don’t-want-to-do-this posts. Pat and I will be thinking about you on Tuesday.

  3. Hey Andrea, hang in there girl. You have shown a lot of courage so far and I am praying that god gives you a lot of strength to deal with all the challenges that are coming your way. I know it is easy to say but think positive and hopefully pain is a short term deal. Take care and try to be strong

  4. Dearest Andrea,
    My Thoughts & Strength are with you! You will look HOT Bald! I know this road…its rough, but I know You can do this! Kicking Cancer’s Ass One Moment at a time Darlin..Have Faith! Trust your Team of caregivers! And don’t ever be afraid to ask questions, or for Help.
    Love Your Pink Warrior, R!

  5. My Little Princess,
    I read your Blog, I feel your apprehension,fear, and anxiety about your upcoming chemotherapy,you have already started on the road to recovery,by writing about all these has been a good catharsis,remember the longest journey always starts with a small step.Many have been on this road before you and many would follow, you are helping in your own way by pointing out all the pitfalls that one may encounter on this journey.
    It may seem to you as if your goal is unsurmountable like reaching the top of mount Everest, I know you my Sweetheart,you are an excellent Soldier and an Awesome Warrior. You come from a long tradition of Fighters who have always prided themselves in reaching their, “goal” and “mission Accomplished” has been their Motto.
    We all the Family and your friends are here cheering for you .Take it one day at a time and before you know it , it will be all over.
    You have our unconditional Love and Support.Dad.

  6. I love that your Dad is so supportive and you are so lucky to have him… I am crying right now for you and feeling your fear. Fear is a HORRIBLE thing, anxiety panic all of it. sometimes it is worse that the actual event. I am so sorry that this happened to you, I know you will thrive again… this week is going to stink.. and I am so very sorry. i will pray for you and think of you often during my day Tuesday.. I will pray and pray some more.. GOD BE WITH YOU..Jill

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