This one was hard to smile through

Well, the day came. We knew it would, but it was still shocking as hell for me. Exactly two weeks after my first infusion my hair started falling out in clumps. For the 24 hours prior to it actually falling out, my hair ached. You how your hair feels after you’ve had it in a tight ponytail for hours upon hours? Well, that’s how my head and hair felt for the day leading up to losing it.

Paul and I had a great New Year’s Day, filled with productivity and a movie (Django Unchained). When we got home from the movie it was time to buzz my head. Paul set up a barber shop of sorts in our bathroom and, there I stood, naked, with his electric clippers in hand. Paul gave me a really good pep talk and assured me I am beautiful no matter what and encouraged me to go for it. He even had downloaded that scene where Demi Moore’s shaves off all her hair in that one movie to hype me up (it didn’t work). It took me several tries, but then I finally went in for the kill.

I was crying the entire time. I wish I could report to to you that I felt liberated and strong and had a “Fuck you cancer” attitude. But I didn’t, I wept through it and then handed the clippers over to Paul to let him finish the parts I couldn’t reach and/or bear to do.

He is the best husband in the world. He worked away on giving me a buzz cut and just kept reminding me that I am pretty and that this just means that the medicine is working and it will all grow back. He was so supportive — he acted as my knees when my own were buckling. Thank you husband — I owe you one, big time!

So, the deed was done and I was feeling miserable for myself. I got into bed and then decided I should try to eat something. I made some pasta. Not 10 minutes later, I puked everything up and cried some more.

Enter Ambien and a good night’s sleep.

We are off to my second chemo in a little while. Once this is completed, I’ll be halfway through with the AC portion of the protocol — so that’s good.

Trying to be glass half full today. But it’s hard….

Sort of hard to smile for this one....

Sort of hard to smile for this one….

28 thoughts on “This one was hard to smile through

  1. The thing is, no matter how you’re feeling on the inside, you REALLY do look beautiful like this, Andrea. That’s because you ARE beautiful. Praying for you from Virginia.

  2. You are incredible and you look beautiful – I am so thankful for your honesty and grace in telling your story. Rock the Jackie O style with a gorgeous scarf and sunglasses – so chic!

  3. You look beautiful, Andrea! You ARE beautiful! And a very strong lady, let me tell you. And your husband rocks! You guys will go through anything – good or bad – together. That’s what love is all about…

  4. hugs gf. . . . i have alopecia and know the pain of losing your hair. . . i know its not the same as cancer, and in fact i’m kinda going through something myself now, so I get it. . .it’s not just hair. . . but you will get some hair back, you are loved. wishing you wellness.

  5. hey my gorgeous beautiful lil angel you are the essence of pure beauty inside and out!!!!! hang on in there my sweetie pie we love you soooooooo much!!!! god bless darling we are holding you up throughout this so do not think you are alone cos you aint gonna get rid of us that easy baby xxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxx and more from londondia 🙂

  6. i am so proud of you taking charge of your life and in Paul’s words cutting your hair before cancer gets it .you have won this race and win you will a lot more. I agree with you Paul is the the best husband.t
    Thank you Paul. I know that you are hurting inside.better timed are in store for you both so just hang on.
    love you both.Mom

  7. you look amazing…and your blog is an inspiration! i adore your courage, honesty, wit, and strength…sending positive thoughts and prayers from boston…

  8. Andrea, We should all have such courage in life! You are beautiful and others will be grateful for your story as they go through something similar.
    Keep the faith!!!!!
    Shelly Rucker

  9. It’s hard, I know, but please also know it gets easier. And you’ll always be beautiful. Our hair is important but that’s not where beauty really comes from . It’s inside you all the time and it will never leave you.

  10. Andrea, I cannot imagine losing my hair!! I just admitted to a friend last week that my hair is definitely my main vanity (all those hair products gracing the shower and the cupboards are mute testimony to this fact). One of my best friends battled ovarian cancer some years ago and lost all her hair, too. It grew back as thick and healthy as ever! I know that is little comfort right now, but try to find some comfort and love in this true statement: there is great beauty to behold in a strong, vital person who is willing to fight fight fight for her life and to bring about new life. The way you look is a ringing testimony for your willingness to fight, and to keep fighting, until that rat-bastard cancer is GONE and you are holding precious new lives. You never know: some woman who is too scared to get that weird lump in her breast checked out may see you and your bravery and take a stand for herself. You stand tall, Andrea, and know that the people who love you will always love you and stand by you in thick or thin — or even nonexistant hair! When things get tough, you grab hold of the glimmers and whisps of your future babies and you will get through this. xoxo

  11. You are a very pretty woman,and your husband is a real “mensch” I still recall when my own dear wife had to do the clip job on her hair,and she had doubts of her beauty,I thought at the time “why is she doubting me?” She was,and still is the most beautiful woman I ever saw.

  12. You look great!! I remember when my hair first starting coming out (between chemo #1 and #2). It hurt, my whole scalp hurt. But once it was gone, all was better. I hate to say it but one of the toughest parts of having cancer to me was losing my hair. And that surprised me, as I really didn’t think I’d care about that. It just bugged me. Bugged me all the time. But this time will fly by and before you know it, your hair is back!! It comes back, it does, it does. You too will see this. Hang in there. All of it gets better… one day at a time.. and so will you.

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