I won an award at PT today! Yay! I got the PIP award — which does NOT stand for Performance Improvement Plan (lol – I can’t help it, it’s the HR professional in me) like one might think! No, no — it stands for “Positively Inspiring Patient” YAY!!!
It’s truly the small victories that keep me going. I walked into PT this morning and the place was empty. I was the first patient on the roster, so I just settled in and started doing my exercises on my own. During my initial stretches I was eyeing the board where other patients had listed their 2013 resolutions (of which I was not one — no resolutions this year — just takin’ it as it comes!) then my eye wandered next to the board where the PIP recipient’s name is listed — and it caught my eye because it was my name! hahaha. I received a certificate as well as a Proactive T-shirt. I chose to forego the T-shirt for myself, instead choosing the men’s golf polo for Paul. I thought he would look dashing in it (plus Julie, my PT, is a HUGE golfer — so I figured it would make her happy to know my hubby was wearing her business’ golf shirt out on the links). All the gals made such a big deal of it — we whooped it up and raised the roof like it was the early 90’s. I tell ya, it was awesome!
But, please don’t get me wrong — I don’t always shit rainbows (thank you Stacey Goryl for introducing me to that saying “shitting rainbows”, I LOVE it!), and I don’t want to give you the impression that I do. I have my crappy moments and I’m ready to tell you about them…..
The past few nights I’ve had insomnia and I’ve been waking up in the middle of the night — hot flashes and insomnia are apparently some of the fun side effects of chemo (in fact, I was FaceTiming with my cousin last night and had to abruptly end the video call because I needed to strip naked due to a hot flash — she didn’t need to bear witness to that over FaceTime — lol!) — it’s during those wee hours that I start to really feel sorry for myself and ask the “why me” questions. Inevitably, I nudge poor Paul awake and ask him if he loves me. I insist that I’m clearly more trouble than I’m worth. And we go back and forth — and he, always reassures me that he loves me more than words can say, that I don’t deserve to have cancer and that all will be fine in the end.
He is such a good man.
It’s funny because in the morning he never really remembers these conversations because he’s pretty much asleep during them. But we have some pretty good heart to hearts at 3am!
Anyway, point is — as chemo takes its toll on my body, my face (yes, another cruel, cruel side effect of cancer and chemo is that my otherwise perfect skin has turned to shit. I am breaking out like a 14 year old. Damn it to all hell!) and my emotions — I am starting to crack a bit. I am getting a little annoyed that I’ve been served up such a shit hand with all the ENT issues, the infertility issues and now CANCER, really? What sort of cosmic joke is this? I mean, seriously? Really? REALLY? I have breast cancer now. Fuck this. Just fuck this.
But, at the end of the day, what are you gonna do? You have to turn lemons into lemonade. There is no other choice. So I just soldier on and try to push those self-pitying thoughts out of my mind.
So there you have it. I am human afterall…
Post Script: Hey, at least I’m not a Braverman (for any of you Parenthood fans out there), I mean, THAT family has like, every hell storm conceivable delivered to their front door. lol. But, I still love that show — no matter how implausible the thought of Laurelei and Ray Romano may be 🙂