Stupid Cancer

My heart broke into a million pieces a week and half ago when I got a text from one of my best friends telling me she has cancer.

She was in the ER dealing with sudden onset swelling of her face, neck and shoulders. She was scared. I felt sick as I read and re-read her text.  We’ve talked and texted a ton since that night. After being in the hospital for days upon days, and after enduring a crazy number of tests, poking and prodding, her final diagnosis is in — Non Hodgkins Large B Cell Lymphoma (SVC).  Fuck.

Kirsten was a bridesmaid in my wedding four years ago.  That makes 3 women (including myself) out of 7 from my bridal party who have been struck by the big C.  I F’ing HATE stupid cancer and mutated cells.

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Today, Kir is having a lumbar hickman catheter placed. She can’t have a port or a PIC line placed because of the location of her tumor. She starts chemo tomorrow.  It will be aggressive chemo and will last about 6 months.  She will come through this, but it will be a shitty ride.  I wish I could push “fast-forward” for her. I hope that she looks at me and knows she can do this and she WILL come out the other side.

All of this happened so quickly, my head is spinning for her.

Kir, on the eve before you start chemo, I want to remind you that you are a prize fighter. I am so sorry you got cancer. I’m so sorry you have to go through all of this crap.  But you GOT THIS. Remind yourself of your new mantra “short term pain, long term gain”.

When I was first diagnosed, I really took solace in Katy Perry’s “Firework” lyrics. Katy has a new song out that fits you to a T Kir. It’s called Roar. Here are the lyrics. I hope you make it your theme song:

I used to bite my tongue and hold my breath
Scared to rock the boat and make a mess
So I sat quietly, agreed politely
I guess that I forgot I had a choice
I let you push me past the breaking point
I stood for nothing, so I fell for everything

You held me down, but I got up (HEY!)
Already brushing off the dust
You hear my voice, you hear that sound
Like thunder gonna shake the ground
You held me down, but I got up (HEY!)
Get ready cause I’ve had enough
I see it all, I see it now

[Chorus]
I got the eye of the tiger, a fighter, dancing through the fire
Cause I am a champion and you’re gonna hear me roar
Louder, louder than a lion
Cause I am a champion and you’re gonna hear me roar
Oh oh oh oh oh oh
You’re gonna hear me roar

Now I’m floating like a butterfly
Stinging like a bee I earned my stripes
I went from zero, to my own hero

You held me down, but I got up (HEY!)
Already brushing off the dust
You hear my voice, you hear that sound
Like thunder gonna shake the ground
You held me down, but I got up (HEY!)
Get ready ’cause I’ve had enough
I see it all, I see it now

[Chorus]
I got the eye of the tiger, a fighter, dancing through the fire
‘Cause I am a champion and you’re gonna hear me roar
Louder, louder than a lion
‘Cause I am a champion and you’re gonna hear me roar
Oh oh oh oh oh oh
You’re gonna hear me roar
Oh oh oh oh oh oh
You’ll hear me roar
Oh oh oh oh oh oh
You’re gonna hear me roar…

Ro-oar, ro-oar, ro-oar, ro-oar, ro-oar

I got the eye of the tiger, a fighter, dancing through the fire
‘Cause I am a champion and you’re gonna hear me roar
Louder, louder than a lion
‘Cause I am a champion and you’re gonna hear me roar
Oh oh oh oh oh oh
You’re gonna hear me roar
Oh oh oh oh oh oh
You’ll hear me roar
Oh oh oh oh oh oh
You’re gonna hear me roar…

Kir, I wish I lived closer to you so I could hug you so tight. I love you and I’ll be on the first plane to NYC to help you. You just let me know when you’re ready.

2 thoughts on “Stupid Cancer

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