I feel sad and numb

I feel so sad.

I feel so sad because I know that another one of my cancer friends has had another recurrence. I know that she’s going through treatment, again. but she wants to be private about it, so I play dumb. I know that she’s sick. Really sick. The kind of sick that she likely won’t come back from.

I had to face this reality head on tonight as I sat outside with some of my friends enjoying dinner in the yard.  Her situation was spoken about so matter of factly that I was stunned.

I was stunned for her. I was stunned for myself. I was stunned for Nora. I was stunned for Paul.

I have no clue what this life holds for me — but I’ll tell ya — it’s evenings like this that remind me to just live. To stop criticizing myself. To stop comparing myself. To stop all of it.

None of it matters when you lose as many people as I have at the ripe old age of 40. It’s not cool.

I don’t have an eloquent way to end this post, I’m just sad. My friend is still alive, but I”m anticipating her death. How horrible is that?  What sort of life is this?

Fuck.You.Cancer.

3 thoughts on “I feel sad and numb

  1. I am sad with you. We can pray for your friend. I know it is hard Andrea but positive thinking helps. I will do whatever I can to help you. I feel guilty about not coming to sfo for a few days when Paul was in Dublin.
    In future I will be there if you need me. I love you Andrea ..

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