And on the 53rd Day…

I went home.

After 7 1/2 weeks on hospital bedrest, I’m heading home. BBS is still safe ‘n sound in utero. So my doctors are letting me take this party back to my own bed. I’ll still be on strict bed rest at home, but at least I’ll be home.

I’m so happy that I’ll get to see Nora on a daily basis. She only came to visit me on the weekends because I felt it was important for her to maintain her routine and have stability during the week. I wanted her to go to the park and run around outside everyday, not come to the hospital and sit couped up in my room. The upside to all this craziness is that Paul and Nora have enjoyed an incredibly special two months together. Their bond has been cemented and then covered with tar for good measure! And, extra little bonus, Paul can now do a mean ponytail 😉

But truly, not seeing Nora regularly was the absolute hardest thing  for me to deal with. I had to emotionally shut down during the week in order to cope with her absence. Thankfully BBS is an extremely active kiddo. So his kicks, punches and rolls served as a reminder of WHY I’m sacrificing. His life and health far outweigh my own ache and long for Nora.

Whenever I feel down about this process, I force myself to refocus by recalling how far I’ve come. When I was first admitted, my doctors fully prepared Paul and I to lose BBS. Upon admission, Dr. Katz gave me three choices (1) do nothing and allow my body to finish delivering BBS and he would pass away, (2) take medicine to purposefully end the pregnancy and try to get pregnant again at a later date or (3) do everything medically possible to save BBS knowing there are zero guarantees. I was alone at the hospital when given these choices because Paul and Nora were still making their way up. For me, the conversation was surreal but not scary. I think I may have even laughed at the first 2 choices (perhaps a nervous habit? or maybe a sign of how naive I was about how bad my situation was?). Number 3 is what I chose on June 14th and I continue to choose today. No brainer.

Perhaps one day I’ll blog about the insanely tough conversations we’ve had with the neonatologists and about the stats of my ever shortening, basically non-existent cervix. But not today. Today I focus on the next stage of the fight. I’m not to the finish line yet.

I have very mixed emotions about leaving. Mentally, I like knowing that the doctors and nurses can spring into action within seconds should anything go down. But I have to remind myself that I’ve been super vigilant thus far and I’ll continue to be equally, if not more so, at home. Emotionally, I lose a bit of confidence every time someone says something like “What?!! You’re going home? Are you sure that’s a good idea? Whose decision was it? Well, don’t overdo it at home.”

Ummm, thanks for basically saying you have zero confidence in me. It’s insulting and undermining. I’m the one who has fought every second of every day for the past 53 days to keep my child alive and safe. I’m the one who lays in bed all day long. I have constant heartburn because I eat my meals laying down. I have the beginning of bed soars on my thighs because I lay all day. I worry every.single.time I get up to go to the bathroom. Trust me, it’s me who knows more than you what’s at stake here. I realize that you say these things out of concern, but you’re effectively saddling me with your own fears. Please stop putting me in the position of comforting and reassuring you.

The reality is that I will go into labor one day. Whether that happens tonight (on the very night I arrive home) or one month from now is irrelevant because it won’t be my fault. It won’t be because I walked to the bathroom in my home instead of festering in the hospital and walking to the bathroom there. It won’t be because Nora jumped onto the bed to read a book or snuggle with me (newsflash she does all of that when she visits the hospital). It won’t be because I walked into the kitchen to get a water refill. It won’t be because I did or didn’t do anything.

Next steps/milestones: Tomorrow I’ll hit 30 weeks which is a HUGE accomplishment and something I plan to celebrate with Paul, Nora, Maisey and BBS. I’ll have an ultrasound Wednesday the 10th. They’ll measure the baby and check the cerclage. Dr. Katz will look at the results and determine if I can stay at home or if I need to come back in.

Sorry I went so deep with this post, apparently I had a lot of pent up emotion…

Final spin on the monitors before being discharged 

 

6 thoughts on “And on the 53rd Day…

  1. Congratulations! I am so happy for you, Andrea! What a big day tomorrow – you’ll enter the “first digit 3” weeks! Enjoy every moment at home, rest up, and we’ll be ready to welcome BBS when he decides to arrive. Sending so much love your way! ❤

  2. I keep rooting for you and keeping you in my prayers. You must have been on the receiving end of tons of stories like this one but for what it’s worth my husband was born at 29 weeks in 1975. In Colombia. And he’s one of the healthiest most intelligent persons I know. So after I had reached that point in both my pregnancies I felt relieved. Hugs!

  3. Andrea, I cannot IMAGINE how difficult it’s been to be laying down for 2 months & all the fear you must have/still are feeling! I’m in AWE! Obv knew you’re one tough chick from following your cancer journey – but I understand as tough as cancer is, it doesn’t come close to a potential threat to our children, right? I’m celebrating your 30 week milestone with u & rooting u on every single day. Hang in there!! Xo jen

  4. Andrea, i have huge compassion for what you are going thru and wish you the best!
    But one note: your food is so toxic and acidic, you have heart urn because the acid levels in your body are skyrocketing. Pregnancy is not the best time to detox, but plz research acid-alkaline food/balance/diet and how to detox colon, liver, kidney, lymph etc., everything on natural detox.

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