Happy two year cancerversary to me. Wow. Time really does fly. I can’t believe another year has gone by. I also can’t believe that I now mark time by my cancercerversary — more so than my birthday. Weird.
As I get further and further away from my diagnosis date, I’m learning some important lessons and coping skills. While cancer (and it’s potential recurrence or mets) are still at the forefront of my mind everyday, I’ve gotten much better at acknowledging those thoughts, and then filing them at the back of my brain and carrying on with my day.
I’m not sure what changed or why I’m coping better these days. I suspect it has a lot to do with the life that’s growing inside of me! I put our daughter before myself now — even though she’s still in utero. I don’t have time to let the past haunt me.
Don’t get me wrong though, while I feel less afraid of recurrence (or perhaps more at peace with the fact that I’m not in control of whether or not I have a recurrence) this year saw a new set of issues crop up… Recently I’ve struggled a lot with survivors guilt. How is it possible that I had cancer, took all the steps that the doctors recommended — and it all WORKED. I’m still NED and I’m pregnant on top of that. So much good luck and fortune smiling down on me.
Yet, I know people who did all of the same things I did, but their cancer didn’t go away. In some cases, those people are no longer with us. It’s so hard to wrap my head around all of this. But it’s my reality. Though I can’t help wondering why them and not me?
I don’t have the answers to any of this at the moment, I’m just slowly trudging through these waters and trying to remind myself that my feelings are legitimate and normal. And I focus on our family – I marvel every time baby girl Sieminski kicks inside my belly. It’s such an amazing feeling that jolts me back into reality and reminds me to be happy — to revel in all of our good fortune.
Speaking of good fortune — we’re currently in Buffalo visiting our newest niece, Anna Yasodhara! She is the cutest, smushiest, yummiest love bug I’ve ever seen. Paul is madly in love with her! I can tell he’s beyond excited for the arrival of our bundle of joy! Watching him coo over her makes me love him even more (didn’t know that was possible!).
Our lovely sister-in-law, Sandy, is throwing us a baby shower this afternoon. I truly can’t think of a better activity to do on this cancerversary! OH! Here’s another tidbit for you — today is not only my two year cancerversary — but it also marks the first day of my third trimester! Whoot!
Obligatory bump pic below: