Last Friday morning I went into PAMF for my MRI.  It was a very unpleasant experience.  We all know that you don’t feel anything during an MRI — because it’s just a giant magnet.  It doesn’t hurt to have an MRI done.  But what they don’t tell you is that you will have a giant IV put in so that they can inject contrast into your body for a portion of the test.  They also don’t tell you that you will be in the tube for 30-45 minutes.

So there I was, face down on the table (my ta ta’s inserted into two round holes — just blowin’ in the wind!) when the MRI tech puts the emergency button in my hand. She let’s me know that the machine will be very loud, and that she will be asking me if I am OK in between each test.  I’m to give her a thumbs up if I am indeed OK. If not, I push the emergency button and she will come get me.

She put my earplugs in, then follows those with headphones (really? How loud can this thing be?).  I hear her voice and she tells me that the first test will be about 2 minutes long. I give the thumbs up — and we’re off.  Damn, it is loud! OK, I can do this. Let me make a game of it — I’ll try to find words in all the noise: “weeble, weeble, weeble, weeble”.  OK, good! This game is working. I’m not freaking out or feeling claustrophobic! Yay me!

We get through another 5 minute test without incident.  But during the 8 minute test, I start falling apart. My brain gets the better of me. I’m having a panic attack. But I can’t move or else I’ll screw up the imaging. Shit, shit shit. What do I do. I am starting to sweat. Wait! Crap! If I can’t deal with a harmless magnet that doesn’t hurt me at all — how in the heck am I going to get through a major surgery and chemo. Shit, shit, shit.

The test ends and I immediately push the emergency button — no thumbs up this time. The tech enters the room and reaches into the tube to rub my hand. She asks what’s up. Wait! WTF, you said if I push the button you’d pull me out of here. Crap! She lied to me. She’s just rubbing my hand. She has no intention of pulling me out. I need to ball up and soldier on.

So I do just that. I self soothe by playing the game with the noises “webble, weeble, weeble” “beet, beet, beet” etc. Ultimately I make it through and all is fine. They got the images they needed and sent me on my way.

I was so shaky on my feet for the hour afterward though. It really scared me. Can I do this? It’s going to be a long haul and it’s going to be way worse than a little ‘ole MRI. Yikes. I’m really getting nervous.