10.11.18 – 6 years later.

6 years later. It seems long, but not distant. Does that make sense? The pain memory has faded, but the muscle memory holds it all. Strange, isn’t it?

6 years later and I find myself in another conference room. On this particular morning, I don’t receive a call from Dr. Huo (thank God!), instead, this conference room is where I busily work away at my new job as a People Partner at a cool company, working with, and supporting, really smart and motivated people. I feel really happy on this particular 10.11.

4 weeks ago I started a new chapter and went back to work. The adjustment hasn’t been that bad. Paul’s been a great support and has taken on a lot more kiddo duty so that I can ramp up. I really love working and I think I’m doing a good job keeping it all in perspective and maintaining balance in my life between the kids, the hubs and self care time. That said, I’m only 4 weeks in, so the train has plenty of time to come off the tracks!

In all seriousness though, things are good, really good. Life seems to have reset itself. This will never be something that I forget, that I don’t think about often. In fact, I continue to take cancer booty calls from PAMF on a regular basis. But, it’s sort of become woven into my fabric. My close friend circle is filled with so many BAYS pals. The lines are all blurred and I love that. I love it. It’s who I am now, and I kinda dig the new me.

This is what 6 years later looks like for me – a full head of hair – lots of chaos – never a perfect family photo – and most importantly, crazy fun with Paul, the kiddos and Maisey, Maise…..

IMG_7065

fullsizeoutput_53a3

IMG_7070

STATS:
6 years
1 amazing hubs
1 amazing Maisey dog (whose namesake is now pretty well known – Maisey Hirono)
2 beautiful, amazing kiddos
1 amazing new job!…..

 

Another year, another cancerversary….

Happy two year cancerversary to me.  Wow. Time really does fly. I can’t believe another year has gone by.  I also can’t believe that I now mark time by my cancercerversary — more so than my birthday. Weird.

As I get further and further away from my diagnosis date, I’m learning some important lessons and coping skills.  While cancer (and it’s potential recurrence or mets) are still at the forefront of my mind everyday, I’ve gotten much better at acknowledging those thoughts, and then filing them at the back of my brain and carrying on with my day.

I’m not sure what changed or why I’m coping better these days. I suspect it has a lot to do with the life that’s growing inside of me! I put our daughter before myself now — even though she’s still in utero. I don’t have time to let the past haunt me.

Don’t get me wrong though, while I feel less afraid of recurrence (or perhaps more at peace with the fact that I’m not in control of whether or not I have a recurrence) this year saw a new set of issues crop up…  Recently I’ve struggled a lot with survivors guilt.  How is it possible that I had cancer, took all the steps that the doctors recommended — and it all WORKED.  I’m still NED and I’m pregnant on top of that. So much good luck and fortune smiling down on me.

Yet, I know people who did all of the same things I did, but their cancer didn’t go away. In some cases, those people are no longer with us.  It’s so hard to wrap my head around all of this.  But it’s my reality. Though I can’t help wondering why them and not me?

I don’t have the answers to any of this at the moment, I’m just slowly trudging through these waters and trying to remind myself that my feelings are legitimate and normal.  And I focus on our family – I marvel every time baby girl Sieminski kicks inside my belly. It’s such an amazing feeling that jolts me back into reality and reminds me to be happy — to revel in all of our good fortune.

Speaking of good fortune — we’re currently in Buffalo visiting our newest niece, Anna Yasodhara! She is the cutest, smushiest, yummiest love bug I’ve ever seen.  Paul is madly in love with her! I can tell he’s beyond excited for the arrival of our bundle of joy! Watching him coo over her makes me love him even more (didn’t know that was possible!).

20141011-094407-35047964.jpg

Our lovely sister-in-law, Sandy, is throwing us a baby shower this afternoon.  I truly can’t think of a better activity to do on this cancerversary! OH! Here’s another tidbit for you — today is not only my two year cancerversary — but it also marks the first day of my third trimester! Whoot!

Obligatory bump pic below:

20141011-094406-35046835.jpg