This one was hard to smile through

Well, the day came. We knew it would, but it was still shocking as hell for me. Exactly two weeks after my first infusion my hair started falling out in clumps. For the 24 hours prior to it actually falling out, my hair ached. You how your hair feels after you’ve had it in a tight ponytail for hours upon hours? Well, that’s how my head and hair felt for the day leading up to losing it.

Paul and I had a great New Year’s Day, filled with productivity and a movie (Django Unchained). When we got home from the movie it was time to buzz my head. Paul set up a barber shop of sorts in our bathroom and, there I stood, naked, with his electric clippers in hand. Paul gave me a really good pep talk and assured me I am beautiful no matter what and encouraged me to go for it. He even had downloaded that scene where Demi Moore’s shaves off all her hair in that one movie to hype me up (it didn’t work). It took me several tries, but then I finally went in for the kill.

I was crying the entire time. I wish I could report to to you that I felt liberated and strong and had a “Fuck you cancer” attitude. But I didn’t, I wept through it and then handed the clippers over to Paul to let him finish the parts I couldn’t reach and/or bear to do.

He is the best husband in the world. He worked away on giving me a buzz cut and just kept reminding me that I am pretty and that this just means that the medicine is working and it will all grow back. He was so supportive — he acted as my knees when my own were buckling. Thank you husband — I owe you one, big time!

So, the deed was done and I was feeling miserable for myself. I got into bed and then decided I should try to eat something. I made some pasta. Not 10 minutes later, I puked everything up and cried some more.

Enter Ambien and a good night’s sleep.

We are off to my second chemo in a little while. Once this is completed, I’ll be halfway through with the AC portion of the protocol — so that’s good.

Trying to be glass half full today. But it’s hard….

Sort of hard to smile for this one....

Sort of hard to smile for this one….